Learning to Cope
by AllISeeAreStars
Summary: Sirius Black is dead and Remus finds himself barreling down a dark path with accelerated velocity. He doesn't know how he ended up like this, but he's not sure he can save himself. Can Severus? Warning: mentions things such as abuse, self-harm, suicide and suicidal thoughts, depression, murder, and just is all around a bit dark.
1. Breathe

Chapter one: Breathe

Severus hated the silence. This may seem ironic for the man who is so strict and controlled in everything, to hate silence, and truth be told he didn't. When it's raining outside and he is sitting by the fire, reading an intriguing book and sipping on a nice cup of tea, he basked in it. However, this, this hollow hole in his surroundings, this suffocating pain of those around him, the empty silence of the house that seemed to know its master was dead- that was the silence he hated. Merlin, he'd despised the man and yet he almost wished he would walk through that door, set off the blasted portrait's vulgar mouth, and grin at everyone just to get rid of this melancholy blanket smothering them all.

He walked through the empty rooms with his soft finesse, trying to shake himself out of it. It was just he and the wolf, the wolf who had been locked in his room for the past week. That bothered him too. He hadn't pegged Lupin as one to run away from his problems. He'd fought tooth and nail to get guardianship of Potter after Black was taken to prison, but in the end accepted that Dumbledore knew best. Severus was disappointed and couldn't help but glance at the other man's door.

He didn't understand why he was here with Lupin. He was more than happy to continue his summer regiment in the potions lab of Hogwarts, but the Headmaster had insisted with that damnable twinkle in his eyes. So, he was here. Just _here_. Even _he_ felt the mutt's absence. Severus tried reading his book, but after staying on the same page for an hour, he closed it to wander some more. He paced the library, the halls, the den. He splashed cold water on his face for no reason other than maybe it would get him out of this funk of his. He tried to brew a simple Pepper-Up potion and melted his first cauldron since his fourth year at Hogwarts when Black had thrown a firework into his Befuddlement Draught. In a huff of defeat, Severus absconded to his room to sulk. Or rather, the house was sulking and he was merely humoring it with company.

Remus hated the noise. The noise of everyone chattering away about anything and everything to keep from talking about what was actually on their minds. It was a far cry from the laughter and joy they had all expressed in some form last summer; the twins with their pranks, Hermione with her lecturing about summer reading, even Snape with his brooding. He recounted the moments with Sirius where they watched their friends' son with his friends and the warmth that flooded the entire house. Now it was all gone.

He knew he was being a coward by hiding. But he wasn't just hiding from _them_. He was hiding from himself. He had hardly slept a few hours since it happened, but each time replayed his best friends handsome face stuck forever in disbelief, falling backwards into the Veil. Even dead he was graceful.

Remus had tried to stop him, _begged_ him to stay behind while they went to rescue Harry and his friends, but he failed even at that. Why couldn't Sirius just listen to him for _once_? Now he would never get another chance to. Without warning, Remus picked up another picture frame and threw it hard against the wall, taking momentary satisfaction at watching it shatter. Then his heart sank and he scrambled over to retrieve the picture. It was one of the last to be taken of James and Lily. Peter had told them he was with his family, though Remus knew now that was a lie. It was just he, Sirius, James, Lily, and baby Harry; a month before Halloween. He looked down at all of the photos inhabitants smiling up at him. Remus hated this.

He went to push himself off of the floor and gasped through his teeth at a pain in the heel of his hand. Remus turned his hand around and looked at the rather long piece of glass that had imbedded itself into his palm, but didn't pull it out. He watched a thin stream of blood run down his wrist, the droplets coming out of the small wound having an odd calming effect on him. He gave it a small quirk of a smile and breathed normally again.


	2. Denial

Chapter two: Denial

Severus wasn't worried. If the wolf wanted to starve himself, far be it from Severus to intervene. Even if Lupin was already terribly skinny and waifish. Even if he sometimes heard strange sounds and thuds coming from upstairs where he knew the man's room was. Even if the full moon was coming up. Lupin could take care of himself. Severus wasn't worried.

The day before the full moon, he found himself doing his usual stroll through the house. He just went back and forth between rooms, pulled random books off shelves just to flip through a few pages and put it back, he made faces at the portraits and there was even a dent in the corner of his room where he just beat his head against the wall. He couldn't remember a summer he was more bored. Or more distracted. He tried reading volumes of all genres and topics, but found himself nodding off. He tried experimenting with potions, but found he was just uninterested. He even tried imagining various ways to piss Potter off this upcoming year, but even _that_ was less than entertaining. He found himself sneaking looks at Lupin's door a lot. This seemed a daily routine until it was late enough he was able to call it a day.

This day he found himself in the kitchen with a cookbook in front of him and an apron on just for kicks. Severus flipped through the thin pages until he inadvertently came across a recipe for chicken and mushroom puff pie. He remembered Molly Weasley made it once and though he ate nothing, the wolf inhaled it and praised the dish. Severus chewed on the inside of his cheek and looked up towards that room before getting out the ingredients needed. Lupin was going to eat if he had to force feed him.

Two hours later that delicious smell pervaded the air as he pulled them out of the oven. Severus paced the kitchen for a few minutes, mentally playing out what he was going to say. He couldn't let the man think he cared, because he didn't. But, he couldn't let him starve either. He flexed his hands out and then into a fist and out again. He drove them through his hair. He even jumped up and down a few times. That was when he drew the line and walked up stairs with a deep breath.

*********************

Remus was sitting on his bathroom floor, his back against the tub and a shard of glass in his hand, when he heard Snape's routine start. He had never before thought about him being bored. He thought that if he was watching he might find it amusing. He could hear the man's steps and heard them trail into the kitchen. He briefly wondered if he had made the Wolfsbane, but then decided he didn't care.

He was feeling the moon. His muscles ached in anticipation for what was to come, his head pounded and he felt weak, but he didn't care. He ignored the wolf, instead choosing to calm himself in his new found cure. He'd never thought of it before, balked at the idea and discouraged others the best he could. But he didn't understand. There was something amazing in it. In watching the blood from his wrist drip he wasn't berating himself for not being able to save his friends from death, Harry from his relatives, or himself from the monster within. He didn't feel the need to scream and sob at the same time. He was perfectly content to stay transfixed at his own ministrations against himself.

Then Remus heard Snape knock. How did he not hear his steps from the kitchen? Snape knocked again, each knock even and controlled. Like the new, red parallel lines on his wrist. It gave him the same effect and he sort of smiled. Then it registered that for Snape to be knocking, that meant he needed to open the door. He grabbed a towel and held it to his arm, disappointed he wouldn't be able to see it, and held his covered arm to his body before answering the door.

"Severus!" He said, slightly out of breath. "What did you need?"

The man blinked at his brusqueness. "I thought it might interest you to know I cooked."

So? Why was he here? Remus wasn't hungry. He had been living off of a few chocolate frogs and was happy staying in the room. "Right." He said. Surely Snape didn't just come here to celebrate this as an accomplishment.

*********************

Severus didn't know what was going on, but something was off. Lupin wasn't being the infuriatingly cheerful person he'd come to know and loathe. And he was being careful to keep the door just open enough to stick his head out. He tried not to act as though he found this suspicious. But he did.

"Yes," he said slowly. "Chicken and mushroom puff pie. I thought you might like to join me?"

He watched Lupin's eye twitch and narrowed his own. What was going on? The wolf grinded his teeth slightly and nodded.

"Right, of course." He consented. "Just let me throw a shirt on."

Severus blinked, not having noticed he wasn't already wearing one, but now that he did notice his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.

"Of course."

*********************

Remus shut the door and punched a hole through the wall. He had tried to be civil to the Potions Master and had been rebuffed at every turn, why now when he just wanted to be alone did he have to make him leave his solitude? He went to the basin to rinse his arm off and caught a look at himself. There were dark circles under his eyes, darker than they'd ever been, his skin was sallow and sickly looking, his bones were jagged- poking out of his skin, his eyes looked wild and dead at the same time. Then he couldn't see his reflection through the broken mirror shards. His fist bled, but he couldn't let himself get distracted by that. All the blood rinsed off, Remus bandaged himself with gauze and tugged on a thin, long-sleeved shirt.

He would, under normal circumstances, be salivating. Instead the smell made him sick and he wanted to escape back to his bathroom where he was happier. This was his favorite dish, did Snape know? He scoffed at himself. Of course he knew. He was a spy, his life depended on how well he could watch people- and wasn't he just telling Molly a few months before? Lily's was better… Remus only just stopped himself from throwing a vase as he walked by.

"It looks delicious," he said in a toneless voice. Snape nodded and began to eat his own, wearily keeping a watch on the wolf.

Remus could feel his eyes as he strategically pushed his food around, taking the teeniest of bites here and there. Any other time and he would have already been on his second helping, but now he was just counting down to when he could declare himself done and go back upstairs. He had three hours to the moon.

"Your Wolfsbane is ready for you," Severus said, uncharacteristically casual. "You should drink it once you're done."

Taking the opportunity, Remus pushed his plate away. "I'm done."

"You've hardly eaten anything."

"I'm not hungry."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "So you haven't been hungry at all? For two weeks?"

"Is there a problem with that?" He growled. Why was he being pushy? Did Dumbledore send him to babysit? Of course he did, because Remus can't take care of himself. He can't take care of anyone.

"Absolutely not," the Slytherin said casually. "If you want to starve to death, be my guest."

"Oh, well thank you for your bloody permission!" Remus stormed upstairs. Why did Snape have to be here? He was happy on his own.

Remus walked in a daze to the bathroom and took his seat against the tub.

*********************

Severus watched the seat the wolf had previously occupied with a dumbstruck expression. He had never actually seen him like this. Even in their youth he was amicable to everything and everyone. Now it was like a switch had been flipped. He didn't miss the extra padding under his left sleeve. So it was like that, was it? Later in his own room, after watching Lupin drink his Wolfsbane without his customary grimace, he studied his own left wrist. The scars remained after all these years. Poppy had once offered to take care of them for him, and he knew he could do it himself, but they reminded himself of how weak he'd once been. He drew strength from them.

He heard a howl and jumped, his pulse racing. What did _he_ care if Lupin wanted to self-harm? Then again, what did he care if Black was dead?


	3. Remus

**A/N: So yes, I was informed that perhaps I should add warnings about triggers. I am just going to make one wide trigger warning. There will be things in this story that might trigger you. I am sorry if they do, but I will not be posting a warning by chapter as I think that detracts from the story itself and I am firmly against prefacing in general. Hints why all of my author notes are always at the bottom. Love always, Skye**

Chapter three: Remus

Remus woke up tired, and sore, and crusty from the blood he caused by scratching himself with Moony's claws. He groaned and tugged on his clothes that he had put in the corner. He unwarded the door and came out face to face with Snape. That was the last thing he needed.

"'Morning," he croaked.

"Are you always like this afterwards?" The man asked. "Even after the potion?"

Remus nodded and limped to the stairs. Truth be told, no. Usually after the potion, he just curled up and fell asleep. But last night had been different. Last night he let Moony punish him. He felt a hand on his side when he almost tripped. Snape tried to help him up the stairs.

"I can walk on my own," he snarled at the Slytherin. "I don't need assistance."

Severus blinked in surprise and looked almost hurt before his face hardened. "Then do it and stop teetering like a bloody toddler, will you." Then he pushed past him and to his room.

Something was wrong. Did he not make the potion right? He knew Lupin was lying when he said he was always like this, as he remembered how normal he seemed when he worked as the DADA professor and drank it. Yes, he was always tired, but today Severus could swear he smelled blood. At this thought he paused his pacing. He did smell blood. That bloody wolf was hurting himself during the full moon as well. Was he trying to kill himself? Severus sat down with a whoosh and a heavy sigh.

There was a letter waiting for Remus when he finally made his way to his room. From Harry. He leaned against his headboard and tore it open to read it.

 _Hey Remus,_

 _I've been trying not to write you, as I'm sure you feel at least as awful as I do, if not worse as you knew him better and longer._ Remus swallowed thickly. _I've been dreaming it. I can't sleep because I see his face when he fell through on a loop. I remember him in King's Cross before I left for school, giving me the picture of the old Order. Why hadn't I just listened to Hermione about the visions? Why couldn't I pay attention and try harder when Snape tried to teach me Occlumency? I've been working on it on my own now, but there's a Muggle saying: don't lock the stable after the horses are stolen._

 _I know you probably have a lot on your mind as well, but I wasn't sure who else to write about this to. My friends would try, but they wouldn't understand. They would pity me. I couldn't stand it if they pitied me. And the Dursley's are just going about their business. It's like it never happened. I went to write this and had to start over because I addressed it to Sirius. I don't know how to cope with this._

 _-Harry_

Remus had been able to concentrate on the pain of the full moon and his calmness that came with his latest discovery, but now he could only think of Sirius. How many times when he went out with James and Sirius did he tell Mrs. Potter that he would take care of them and keep them out of trouble? Lot of good that did anyone. He was in France when Peter betrayed Lily and James, and he was unable to keep Sirius from dying. Now Harry was blaming himself. He had depended and relied on Sirius and now he was just gone. Remus cried into the parchment until he fell into a restless sleep.

*

He screamed. He screamed as loud as he could, having dreamed of Sirius again. Having had a dream of a loop. The first time they met, through their years at Hogwarts, James and Lily's wedding, the years where he let himself believe that Sirius had betrayed them. How could he even think that? And then they let Wormtail get away because he forgot to take that bloody potion. And then he was alone, on the run, in this house with all those Dark memories from his childhood. It was no wonder he had left to go save Harry. Remus should have tried harder. He should have locked the man in a fucking closet. He should have fought against the Ministry when they locked him away in Azkaban.

He stared at himself in the mirror. He hated him. Remus hated Sirius. He hated himself. He hated Harry for running off. He hated Snape for being such a tosser and not teaching Harry Occlumency better. He hated Hermione for being like Remus, unable to talk sense into those around her. Remus glared at the potions in the cabinet. He had always been pants at potions, but he understood the theory. He knew that mixing Calming draught with Pepper-Up and Dreamless Sleep- he would poison himself. Or adding aconite to a mild truth serum. Or deep vertical cuts. Or…

Remus didn't know what to do with himself. He had continued with his routine of reopening the cuts he'd made on his wrist, but it wasn't as it was when he'd first tried it. It wasn't having the same affect. He had run out of things to throw and break at will. He couldn't read past the first page of a book without losing interest. He felt like fighting. He felt like fist fighting- feeling someone's bones snap, watching their blood drip, hearing their strangled cries. Then he stopped for a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. Where did those thoughts come from? Surely he didn't actually want to harm anyone. But yes, he did. He nodded to himself and grabbed his jumper, leaving his room.

Severus woke up alone. Meaning, no one else in the house. He groaned and left under a Disillusionment charm- thinking for sure he knew where the wolf would be. He was right of course, as after Lily died, Severus had bar hopped for a while to start fights and drink. He watched Lupin, who looked awful, dodge a punch and almost fall before charging at the burly guy again. Severus stepped from the shadows, charm off, and grabbed Remus by the back of his collar- pulling him back.

A Muggle, oh how Severus despised drunks, decided this new person was in the fight and tried to get Severus with his next blow. Severus ducked and grabbed the man's fist, twisting it and feeling it pop out of place with a satisfying sound. Then, he dragged the wolf out to Apparate in front of Grimmauld Place. Lupin promptly threw up bile along the front path. Severus rolled his eyes and helped the man to his room and helped him undress, treating his wrist and chest with dittany to close up the wounds. He would let Remus decide if he wanted to continue down this path before he erased the scars.

*

"Why do I feel awful?" He asked the darker man when he came to a day later.

"Because you got into a bar fight. And lost."

Remus opened his eyes, feeling better than he had in a long time. He could feel a bandage of sorts on his chest and around his left arm and he shot up in bed. "What are you doing in here?"

Severus looked around at the now clean room. He had gotten rid of all the broken glass and put unbreakable charms on everything else. "Redecorating."

Remus sat up, "Get out."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I thought we could talk. You know, we have a lot in common. I mean we both can't stand Potter."

"Get. Out."

"No, no, I mean it. Obviously, I mean, you're the last person he has connected to his parents and you aren't taking care of yourself. You must not care that much. Maybe you wanted this."

Remus' blood boiled and his face grew red. Snape hadn't acted like this since they were in school.

"Not that I can feel too awful, I mean, Black _was_ a reprehensible excuse for a human being if I ever saw one. At least now he's out of his misery."

Without warning Remus, shot with adrenaline and anger, knocked Snape to the floor, pinning him. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't? Oh! I'm sorry. Was it true love?" Severus grinded his teeth when the wolf punched him in the jaw. "Did you think that him being supposedly innocent was a reward to you for being alone so long? How long did you do nothing while he rotted in Azkaban and Potter with Lily's sister? Ten years? Eleven?"

With every strike, Remus felt a wave of tension leave him and Snape continued with his jabs at Remus as a person. Everything Remus had been thinking about himself for the last month. Severus laid there and took it, know that Remus, no, Lupin, had to crack sometime. At last, Remus stopped and collapsed against Severus' chest, crying his shame and agreement to everything Snape had said. After a while he was asleep and Severus, bruised and battered, picked him up and laid him back in the bed.

"I hurt you," the man whispered as he woke up slightly from the move.

"It wasn't pleasant," Severus agreed. "Black is dead, Lupin. Killing yourself isn't going to bring him back."

Remus protested. "I wasn't going to- "

"Don't. Tell me you hadn't thought about it, wolf."

"Remus."

"What?"

"It's my name."

"I know it's your name. What do you want _me_ to do with it?"

"Use it."

Severus looked at the man in front of him, sickly and thin. The bed swallowed him whole. He was still as handsome as he had been in their youth, the scars not taking away from that. Severus wondered to himself when did they all get old? When did their antics against each other in school and just after become background to this war that refused to end? When did he start thinking of Lupin as Remus? As a person?

"Remus."

Remus stayed in bed for the next day as well, his strength from everything slowly regaining. Why had he gone out? He had also attacked Severus. Why? He had always had more control than this. He, he had always had enough control for all of the Marauders. How many times had he stopped James from physically attacking Snape? Or Sirius from his antics? He was not strong enough to stop himself.

*

"Severus?" The Slytherin stopped his reading and looked over. "Why did you come after me?"

They'd been on better terms than they ever had been. Remus came out of his room more. Severus made him eat. They would read for a while and then go back to their respective rooms. Severus would never admit that he found this better than before. It was as if a tension had been released. Sirius Black's death still hung over them, but Remus was better. He hadn't cut in three days, and even though he had had the urge a few times, he had just left the room instead to find Severus. Severus found he was actually able to read when Remus was there.

"You were going to get yourself killed."

"So? You hate me. You hated Sirius. What would it matter?"

Severus didn't shift in his wingback armchair, though he was decidedly uncomfortable at this point because he didn't have an answer. "I don't know," he admitted, stared at the page he had just turned to. "I don't know if I hate you. I know what you're going through."

"You know, I never thought about what Lily's death did to you."

Severus closed his book with a sigh. "It killed me, almost literally."

Remus watched the man subconsciously tighten his left arm and understood. "I'm sorry. For everything we did to you. I always have been."

"It doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"

"It matters to me."

"Thank you."  
 **A/N: I am really sorry that I take so long to update each story. I know I have like six going at the same time, but I cannot say this enough. If you want me to focus on one of them in particular- review or pm me about it. I always take suggestions and even if I don't use them, they will help me come up with ideas. Also, I am warning that the next chapter might be really dark. Like- REALLY dark. My husband thought it might be too much. Oh well.**


	4. Revert

Chapter four: Revert

They were eating dinner one night when Severus' arm burned. It was not the first time this summer he had been called, but the first time since he and L-Remus had become amicable toward one another. Remus had, in fact, never been in Severus' presence when he was summoned. The man let out a sharp gasp and stood abruptly from their table. Remus looked up in confusion before he noticed the mans clenched left hand and tightened muscles.

"I must go," Severus gritted through his teeth.

Remus blinked and stammered. "O-of course, Severus." The man nodded to him and went to get his Death Eater robes. He was at the door when Remus stopped him with a gentle hand. "Be careful, won't you?"

Severus wasn't sure how to react. No one had ever wished him to be careful. Dumbledore only nodded to him on occasion. Anyone else tried to pretend they didn't notice, prancing around the subject of his tainted magic. In the end, he nodded, feeling a warmth from the farewell.

He landed in Malfoy Manor and strode into the throne room, which had been a music room for Lucius' mother, Cordelia. Severus could remember what it used to be, when the Dark Lord was at his peak and did not need to reside here. Abraxas had been a monster, there was no question, but a fool could have seen the love he had for his wife, Cordelia. She was the opposite of Abraxas and Severus himself had been sorry to hear of her passing when they were still young. Well, young _er_. Severus kneeled before taking his place among the Inner Circle, which tonight meant an actual circle as they crowded a small form- shivering- even though it was a warm summer evening.

Upon taking the empty space he was able to get a look at the form, a young boy with a frail intensity about him that immediately reminded him of a younger version of his temporary house mate. He was looking around with wide, blue eyes, shaking in terror, and Severus was thankful for his mask that kept the others from seeing his disgust and guilt. The boy was to be tonight's entertainment.

"My loyal friends," the Dark Lord spoke in a smooth, gravelly voice. "You see before you, a muggle boy." A few snickered. The man next to him, who Severus could discern as Draco, shook slightly and Severus wished he didn't have to be here. He was just a boy himself. "But this is not just a muggle," he continued, unaware of the Malfoy heir's inner conflict. "No, given time, this muggle would aspire to attend magical schooling. This muggle would have himself called a wizard."

Bellatrix, he could tell it was her from her form and action, spit at the boy in abhorrence. The boy whimpered and hugged his knees to him, expecting the worse, and rightfully so. Curious about a thought that crossed his mind, Severus used his Legilimency while the Dark Lord rambled on. He saw the boy with what looked to be his parents, both of whom had the same blue eyes and his father having the same brown hair. They were shouting at him for climbing a cabinet to get a toy that had been taken, when it was a case of accidental magic. He watched the parents witness this magic, then Severus witnessed the punishment that came after- days without food, bruises, slaps, cursing. He balled his fists and tried to calm himself as the Dark Lord's monologue came to a final close.

The Dark Lord sat back down on his throne, having been circling the circle like a vulture looking for weaknesses, and gestured to the boy with a fluid hand movement. "Enjoy, my friends."

At once curses flew at the muggle boy, who couldn't be more than six, and he cried out against slicing hexes, and the more popular, Cruciatus. The little boy screamed and thrashed and begged each person with his too-wide eyes to stop. The boy next to Severus, his own godson, did nothing more than tremble and send off streams of light that looked like curses. When Bellatrix pulled out her curved, cursed dagger- Severus did the only thing he could have to stop the pain.

 _"Avada Kedavra"_ And all the noise of sadistic laughter stopped with the green flash that made the boy stop breathing.

"Severus!" The Dark Lord growled. "What is the meaning of this?"

He turned to face his master and bowed his head respectively, bracing himself for what he had known was to come. "I apologize, my Lord, I was too enthusiastic."

The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes at the unknown spy and said the words Severus had expected. "Then as you have denied your brethren their toy, _you_ shall take its place."

Then, without warning, it started.

*

Remus had stayed up, though slightly unsure why, and was ready to call for Dumbledore when Severus fell through the door and collapsed on to the muddy runner in the front hallway. He was at the man's side in an instant, trying not to notice his blood-soaked clothes. It was no use as he had smelled it before he saw it, the sickly-sweet stench of iron. Severus moaned in pain as Remus rolled him over. His face was bruised and swollen, one eye completely swollen shut, blood smeared on his throat where it looked like someone tried to cut it.

"Severus? Severus!" Remus refrained from shaking the man's shoulder. Instead, he threw Severus' arm around him and stood him up. He half carried, half dragged, the man toward the stairs before thinking better and laying him on the chaise in the sitting room. He Flooed Dumbledore, shouting half mad through the fire.

"Albus! He's hurt!"

The Headmaster came through with a grave face and the Hogwarts nurse with him. Poppy immediately rushed to Severus' side and began her spells. Dumbledore pulled Remus to the side.

"Has he said anything at all?"

"Nothing, he was gone for almost five hours."

There was a guttural scream from the Slytherin, his throat gurgling blood that began to drip out of the corners of his mouth. His body started convulsing and Remus and Dumbledore had to help hold him down before he could hurt himself more. Poppy divested him of his clothes down to his boxers and they could see the cuts that had been made into his skin by hexes, bruises from kicks, burns- there were burns as though someone had tried to set him on fire and something had stopped them.

After Poppy did everything she could until he woke up, Remus levitated him to his room. He had never seen Severus' private chambers, and there wasn't much to see as the walls were bare. There were no pictures like in his aside from one on the bedside. A Muggle photo of Lily and Severus, the girl's grin frozen in place- her long red hair whipping around her face with the wind. He hadn't met Lily that young. He could see why Severus would have fallen in love with her.

He made a groaning noise, his throat still raw, and his black eyes opened. And then the clenched tight. "I killed him," he said softly with a rasp. "I killed that little boy."

"Shh," Remus said. "It will be alright."

"No. You don't understand. They brought him- a Muggleborn child barely in primary school yet. They brought him to torture, but they didn't realize his parents hurt him too. They were all- I killed him." Remus tried to get him to calm down, pushing him back when he tried to sit up.

"He looked like you," was the last thing he whispered before falling back asleep.

"Do you remember that day?" Remus said. Severus looked at the man carefully. "The day you and Lily stopped talking? After- "

"I remember." Severus said sharply.

Remus looked away, his mind going back to it. "I felt awful for weeks after. I always thought Lily should have forgiven you. I even told her that once. She wouldn't look at me for days. We never meant- I never meant to make your life so terrible. I had no one. I was alone and for the first time I had friends. They showed me what life was supposed to be. They showed me loyalty. But that is no excuse for my turning such a blind eye to how they could be. I wish, I wish that perhaps I could have been braver."

Severus said nothing, and it was as if he hadn't heard him, but Remus knew he had. Remus, for no reason he could understand, held Severus' hand and they both stared at where they were joined. Like a door had been opened. And then the spell was broken and Severus left the room.

Neither of them mentioned to the other what had transpired after the meeting. Severus stayed in bed for a week, limped for another three days afterward. On a Friday night, late, two weeks after Severus killed the Muggle boy, Dumbledore showed up weak. He dismissed Remus from the room to be alone with Severus- too drained to notice that he stopped to listen in through the door.

"Severus, my hand. My hand, there's something wrong."

Severus examined his right hand dangled over the side of the chair, blackened and burned. He muttered incantations, pointing his wand at the wrist of the hand, while trying to pour a thick golden potion down Dumbledore's throat. After a moment or two, Dumbledore's eyelids fluttered and opened. Remus flattened himself against the door as best he could, not knowing what was happening- but having a terrible feeling all the same.

"Why," Remus heard Severus demand without giving the old man a moment- watching through a crack, "why did you put on that ring? It carries a curse, surely you realized that. Why even touch it?

A ring lay cracked on the table and Dumbledore grimaced at it. "I, was a fool; a fool sorely tempted."

"Tempted by what?" Severus snarled, but received no answer.

"You have done very well, Severus." Dumbledore said once the dark-haired man stepped away finally. "How long do you think I have?"

Dumbledore's tone was conversational; he might have been asking for one to pass the sugar, and this is what made Remus feel light headed. This was happening. Severus hesitated, not that Remus could blame him, and then said, "I cannot tell. Maybe a year. There is no halting such a spell forever. It will spread eventually, it is the sort of curse that strengthens over time."

Dumbledore smiled. The news that he had less than a year to live seemed a matter of little or no concern to him. With an effort, he straightened himself in his chair. "Well, really, this makes matters much more straightforward." Remus wanted to scream. What were they doing? How were they so calm?

Severus looked both dreading and utterly perplexed. Dumbledore smiled.

"I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me." Severus bowed his head. "Oh come now, this isn't news to either of us."

"Then why do I feel like you are about to ask something terrible of me?"

"In short, the boy has had a death sentence pronounced upon him as surely as I have," Dumbledore said- ignoring Severus' question. "Now, I should have thought the natural successor to the job, once Draco fails, is yourself?"

There was a short pause. "That, I think, is the Dark Lord's plan."

"Lord Voldemort foresees a moment in the near future when he will not need a spy at Hogwarts?"

"He believes the school will soon be in his grasp, yes. No doubt under a follower of his choosing."

"And if it does fall into his grasp," Dumbledore said, almost, it seemed, as an inevitability, "I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students at Hogwarts?"

Severus gave a stiff nod. Remus almost burst through the door again, but thought better of it.

"All the same, try. I am concerned less for myself than for accidental victims of whatever schemes might occur to the boy. Ultimately, of course, there is only one thing to be done if we are to save him from Lord Voldemort's wrath."

Severus raised his eyebrows and his tone was sardonic as he asked, "Are you intending to let him kill you?"

"Certainly not. _You_ must kill me." Remus stopped breathing. He knew the Headmaster asked things of the Slytherin that bordered too much. _This_ was too much.

"Would you like me to do it now?" Severus asked, his voice hoarse in his shock and expecting. "Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"

"Oh, not quite yet," Dumbledore said smiling. "I daresay the moment will present itself in due course. Given what has happened tonight," he indicated his withered hand, "we can be sure that it will happen within a year."

"If you don't mind dying," Severus asked roughly, "why not let Draco do it?" If Remus didn't know any better, he would think that perhaps the man was trying not to cry. But, Severus Snape didn't cry.

"That boy's soul is not yet so damaged, I would not have it ripped apart on my account."

"And my soul, Dumbledore?" Severus all but shouted in hurt. "What of mine?"

"You have killed before, have you not?" Remus was very nearly sure he hated the man at this moment, but the old man's words hit their mark. "Surely you can to save an old man pain and humiliation. I ask this one great favor of you, Severus, because death is coming for me as surely as the sun rises in the east. I confess I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance, Greyback is involved – I hear Voldemort has recruited him? Or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it." Remus stiffened at the werewolf's name.

His tone was light, but his blue eyes pierced Severus as they had frequently pierced a number of people, as though the soul they discussed was tangible. Remus had never seen the man so manipulative. He knew the right words to say to make others more agreeable. The Potions Master was no different. At last Severus gave another curt nod. Dumbledore seemed satisfied.

"Thank you, Severus…"

*

"I heard what Dumbledore asked of you," Remus said in the library the next day. He'd had an awful time trying to get to sleep the night before and he knew Severus hadn't even gone to his room.

"I know."

Remus looked up at Severus, who was putting a book back on the shelf. "You didn't say anything?"

"Should I have?" The dark-haired man asked. "Do you wish I had so that he might have obliviated you?"

"He wouldn't," Remus said, not believing his own voice.

Severus turned on his heel and stared the wolf down. "Really? Are you _quite_ certain of that?"

Remus' silence was enough of an answer. "You can't really do it."

"I must and I will. I've killed before, doing it again shouldn't make a difference. It will place me back at the Dark Lord's right hand and I will be given Hogwarts as a reward where I can watch out for the students and help Potter."

"And the Order will think you a traitor."

"As intended."

"This is madness!" Remus shouted. "There has to be something else."

Severus glared. "THIS is war, wolf, or hadn't you noticed?" And he left with the slam of a door, leaving Remus behind feeling like he had just been gutted again.

Of course he noticed. His best friends had died for this war. He was likely to die for this war. He could see it now. Severus would kill Dumbledore, then let the guilt eat him until Voldemort killed him as well. Then Remus would die at Harry's side. And Harry, he was likely to join them-hopefully with Voldemort as well. This was war. Sirius had known that. Remus knew that. Severus knew that. Everyone knew, but no one seemed to understand. How do you kill a man? You take away their humanity. That's what this war was doing to them all. To him. Remus walked up the stairs and stopped outside of Severus' room. And knocked.

The door swung open and Severus and Remus stared each other down.

"How can I help?"

"You can't."

"Severus, please. Let me help. I can at the very least help you when the Order hates you."

"No."

Remus pushed Severus into the room and caught the man off guard, making him fall back but grabbing hold of Remus' arm first and pulling him down as well. Remus fell on top of him and looked down at his face, feeling the man's breath against his lips. He had the sudden urge to lean down and press them together, but stopped himself just short of it and stood up quickly.

"I am going to help. And if you refuse my help- I will strike at you in any way I can."

"What's it to be?" Severus asked, breathing semi-heavily. "Hot oil or the rack?

Remus and Severus stared at each other for a long few minutes and then it happened and Severus' lips were on his and they were kissing as if their lives depended on it. Or not lives, as neither of them put too much stock in their futures after the war. Their lives ended with it. Remus was being pressed against the door, the door knob digging into his side and would have been painful if he hadn't been preoccupied. Severus' tongue was dancing with his in a ballet, a tango. Their hands were clasped together and above Remus' head until Severus let go of them and pulled the man closer by his hips, eliciting a groan from him and a deep growl from Severus.

Remus dug his hands into Severus' hair, tugging gently as he attacked his mouth with a hunger he hadn't thought himself capable of. Remus' lips made a jagged trail down the man's pronounced jaw and to his neck where he found his pulse. Feeling the man's pulse against his lips did something and he nipped at it. Severus groaned and brought Remus' lips back to his own, his hands finding Remus' bum and making Remus call his name.

Everything stopped at this point and they both flew away from each other like they had been burned. Or, rather, Severus did. Remus' head was spinning with lust and another feeling he didn't have a name for.

"Severus, wait- "

"Get out."

"No, please, don't- "

"Get. Out."

"I'm not leaving."

Severus, his heart pounding, licked his bottom lip and tasting Remus again. "Fine. Then I will." He stormed past Remus, who tried to stop him by pulling his arm.

"Severus, please don't go."

"Let go of me," and he snatched his arm away to leave Grimmauld Place.

*

Severus paced his childhood home. Not one room. The entire house. In a pattern. First the kitchen, where he just couldn't convince himself to eat or drink anything. Then the halls to the living room where he would stare at the door and wonder if the wolf knew where he lived. The bedroom, always leaving rather hasty from this room to keep the thoughts from his mind of how appealing Remus looked with swollen bruised lips, his hair mussed, and his chest heaving. Occasionally he would stop outside of the room at the end of the hall where his parents had slept. Why had he kissed him? Why didn't he just throw him out of the room on his arse? His arse. Severus had never heard his name sound so good than when he grabbed the other man's arse.

Severus rubbed his hands over his face roughly and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. Damn the wolf, he wanted to do it again. He wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to- Severus tilted his head and looked at the purple marked skin. He wanted to possess the man. Severus growled at his own thoughts and slammed his fists down on the counter with a stinging _smek!_ and glared at it. Then didn't, opening his medicine cabinet and pulling out a long forgotten razor blade.

*

Remus holed himself up in the library, not leaving at all. He refused to eat. He didn't even read. He sat there boiling. Severus kissed him. Not the other way around. Remus had never felt so alive. He had never wanted someone so much in his life, groaning at the memory and having to think of something else. Anything else. The blood. The blood on the broken mirror shard, reflecting the blood dripping down his arm in lines- sometimes straight and sometimes in curves. The way everything just seemed second to it. He didn't think about Sirius. He didn't think about James and Lily. Or the war. Or Severus.

He found a mirror. In the attic. A mirror that hadn't been charmed unbreakable. Remus found great pleasure in throwing it at a wall, making a dent in said wall and scattering the mirror into its pieces. He picked one up, not the biggest, not the smallest, but one that fit well in his hand- breaking the skin of his hand as he used it to break the skin on his arm. It sliced easily, the first droplet quickly followed by the second and then third, finally a small stream. He made another just above it to see it merge together. He watched it roll down and thought that it rather looked like Severus' lips when he moved away. Or the nice flush that came with it. Remus placed a finger from his other hand in the way of the blood and watched it pause before breaking into another direction.

Why didn't Severus want him? What about him was so repulsive? Was it the wolf? No. It couldn't be. Or maybe his sexuality. No, the bulge that had grinded against his own disproved that. Was it the war? Remus cut his wrist again, deeper than he had before, in a different direction. The effect was immediate as the blood gushed out. Remus watched it, a small voice in the back of his mind- that oddly sounded like Lily- telling him that this was too much. That he had gone too far. That this wasn't what he wanted. He pushed it back further. Yes, this was what he wanted. It looked- like art. He smiled at that.


End file.
